Let's be honest: you probably don't have the sophistication or taste required to appreciate this beer. If you're one of those people that enjoys the weak swill of the masses, get out. If you try this, your taste buds will be shocked into submission and you'll run crying back to your sad, blue and white beer cans. And good riddance.
For those of you that do have sophistication and taste, read on.
The Double Bastard Ale from Stone Brewing really isn't for the weak. It's a strong, malty beer, featuring an ABV of 10.5% and a long tirade on the back of the bottle similar to the line above. Here it is in it's full glory:
"This is one lacerati
ve muther of an ale. It is unequivocally certain that your feeble palate is grossly inadequate and thus undeserving of this liquid glory...and those around you would have little desire to listen to your resultant whimpering. Instead, you slackjawed gaping gobemouche, slink away to that pedestrian product that lures agog the great unwashed with the shiny happy imagery of its silly broadcast propaganda. You know, the one that offers no challenge, yet works very, very hard to imbue the foolhardy with the absurd notion that they are exercising ‘independent’ thought, or attempts to convey the perception it is in some way ‘authentic’ or ‘original.’ It’s that one that makes you feel safe and delectates you into basking in the warm, fuzzy, and befuddled glow of your own nescience. Why so many allow themselves to be led by the nose lacks plausible explanation. Perhaps you have been so lulled by the siren song of ignorance that you don’t even notice your white-knuckle grip on it. You feel bold and unique, but alas are nothing but sheep, willingly being herded to and fro. If you think you are being piqued in this text, it is nothing when compared to the insults we are all asked to swallow streaming forth from our televisions and computers. Truth be told, you are being coddled into believing you are special or unique by ethically challenged “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain” marketers who layer (upon layer) imagined attributes specifically engineered to lead you by the nose. Should you decide to abdicate your ability to make decisions for yourself, then you are perhaps deserving of the pabulum they serve. Double Bastard Ale calls out the garrulous caitiffs who perpetrate the aforementioned atrocities and demands retribution for their outrageously conniving, intentionally misleading, blatantly masturbatory and fallacious ad campaigns. We demand the unmitigated, transparent truth. We demand forthright honesty. We want justice! Call ‘em out and line ‘em up against the wall... NOW."If you're still willing to try it after that, then you've taken the first step to proving your worthiness.
Color: Dark and dense. Has a reddish brown color that's similar to winter woods, although this has a bit more of a red hue to it. Has a thin white looking head that's slightly transparent. When set in the background of the words "Fizzy yellow beer is for wussies" it definitely has a striking effect. Oh, and I'd like to point out that this is an instance where the Stone Brewing glasses were very appropriate. And yes, I bought those for my boyfriend because I'm an awesome girlfriend.
Aroma: Malty is the first word that comes to mind. It's slightly more sweet smelling rather than toasty. Don't let that sweetness fool you though. That's just how it lures you in. Once you're close enough, it slams you in the face with flavor and you either fall over crying or take another sip like a true beer drinker. This smells like a good, dark beer, and that's exactly what it is.
First Sip: Very malty, with some hoppiness in there as well. More sweet malty rather than toasty malty, although I do get a hint of toasty-ness when I swallow. This is a dark, bitter, malty beer. It's full of flavors and they are not subtle. It ranges from sweet to bitter, and plays your taste buds like a drunk guitar playing prodigy. If you're going back for another sip rather than falling over crying, then congratulations. You're one step closer to proving that you are not some pathetic, sniveling worm.
Mouthfeel: Not a weak beer at all--this is very strong. More bitterness comes through now, and the slightly sweet malts stay in the background. Creates a nice warming sensation thanks to the high alcohol content. There's a slightly different taste each time I take a sip and let it sit in my mouth. It goes from malty, to hoppy, to bitter to sweet. It's not subtle, but the way they incorporate all these flavors in a joyous, headbanging harmony is truly masterful. And if you can't appreciate that harmony, then what the hell are you doing here?
Aftertaste: There's mostly bitterness left on my tongue with some malt taste as well. It does not disappear, and no matter what I ate afterward, I could only taste the beer. What a bastard.
Are you worthy of this beer? There's only one way to find out. Taste it, and try not to act like a wuss. The time has come to man up.
-
AND NOW, since I have a good five more reviews lined up, I'll put an extra review in this post. This one is for the Stone Vertical Epic 11.11.11.
Stone Brewing has been making a vertical epic every year when the day, month, and year all align. For example, they've made a 10.10.10 (which I currently have a review for!), a 09.09.09, 08.08.08, and so on and so forth. I think it may go all the way back to 2002, but I'm not entirely sure on that. If I can find them, I'll just work my way backwards, although I dont have high hopes of finding a beer from 2002.The 11.11.11 beer was brewed with anaheim chilies and cinnamon, and has an ABV of 9.4%. (I seem to drink a lot of high alcohol beers. I dont think a single one in the past 5 has been under 8%.)
Anyway, onward, to Vertical Epicness!
Color: A solid dark red with a little hint of brown. Dark and dense, but you can still see that it has some nice carbonation, although nothing too intense. Pours with a nice thick head, but it disappears quickly. Overall it looks like a dark red chili pepper. Very fitting.
Aroma: Smells surprisingly yeasty. It's not overpowering, but the fact that I smell it at all is a little surprising. There's also a distinctive chili aroma that's a little similar to The Vixen. There's a bit of a spicy note. It's also a bit boozy smelling, but the thing you smell most of all is the pepper.
First Sip: I am a drinking a pepper.
No really. That's my first impression. I'm drinking a goddamn chili pepper.
Mouthfeel: This is really, really peppery. There's a whole lot more chili pepper flavor than what The Vixen had by far. There are hints of spicy and sweetness, but it's not too intense. Some malty flavor as well. I can only taste tiny hints of the cinnamon. Overall, the most predominant flavor is slightly spicy pepper. But more pepper flavor than spiciness. This is very different, and very unique. I can honestly say that no other beer will ever come close to tasting like this. If you swish this around a bit, you can taste more of a boozy flavor and you may be able to taste a tad more cinnamon.
Aftertaste: The pepper flavor doesn't stick around, and some warming spices are left in its place.
The thing I remember most about this beer (and I drank and took tasting notes about a month ago) is the strong pepper taste. It is literally like drinking a pepper, but don't let that put you off. It's actually quite good, and it works in this beer. There are other flavors in there too, of course, but the thing you will most likely remember most is that you drank a pepper and it was delicious. Somehow.
Results may vary if you age this longer. Me, being me, and only being in South Carolina (where I found the Vertical Epic), did not age this at all, which now that I think about it may account for the predominant, fresh chili pepper taste. If you age it, it will probably come across different, and wont that be interesting? I may have to go out and grab another bottle just to age it...
No comments:
Post a Comment